There are moments in life in which something changes so completely that we know the moment it happens, we can never be the same person again. Those can be the most gut-wrenching, prolific moments because we, often times, do not have a choice. I think God almost uses these moments to propel us to our future because he knows we need something so devastating, so tragic, to make us finally say goodbye to something so destructive in our lives.
It was just another night. We were at the martini bar we always go to, and the palm trees were swaying as they always did. We even laughed about how dim and dingy the weather was, as it always chose to be when we sat outside. I watched the goosebumps rise on my legs and you held your arms together as though it were snowing all around us. Coolish nights in South Florida can somehow feel like the most brutal, frigid nights on all of earth.
On the walk back to a place we had parked the car so many times before, you just went for it. On a beautifully normal, vanilla night, you brought her up. You took a calm, serene moment and cut through it by using her ghost as the most dangerous weapon towards me, as you knew it would be. You spoke of her in a way only someone hurting, only someone wanting to deeply hurt someone else, could speak of her. You stabbed me a thousand times over with the shocking words that rolled so effortlessly off of your tongue.
In the middle of a normal Spring night, in a normal area that we have spent numerous nights in, in the midst of a normal conversation, we broke. You brought her up, the ghost that everyone in this world knows not to bring up. You dragged her into our nastiness, and you made her a victim of our shared hate towards each other. You used her as a weapon against me in the worst way, as though you picked up one of those Chinese stars and just swung it at me as hard as you could throw it. Who hurt you? Who turned you into such a monster that you could intentionally destroy a spark, a moment of happiness, in me? What part of you hates me so much that you had to kill me, murder me, hit me with the most destructive blow?
I survived, just so you know. I am here on the other side, still cleaning the wounds and changing the bandages, but I am here and alive. You attempted to kill an important part of me through your own inability to face life’s hard blows, but you did not succeed, because I get to choose how the rest of this story goes, and you can best bet, it will have nothing to do with the dark life you have chosen to fall into.